whatever YOU want.

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. Psalm 139:1

I greeted my hair guru with a smile, hugged her tight and sat down in the spinning chair. She ran her fancy comb through my outgrown blonde locks. And, as she always did, asked what we would be doing with my hair that day. To which I would confidently declare, "Whatever you want." 

I realize the risk I take when I sit in the chair and say those three words. And as she flips her hands through my hair and talks about color, I nod and agree. The shiny scissors quickly chop a line across my back and my hair falls to the floor. There it is, in a pile below me. And already I feel like I've shed ten pounds. 

A control freak to my core, I surprise myself with this free spirit when it comes to my hair. I know it's not common for every girl to walk in and literally let the hair dresser do whatever they want; my gal confirms that truth. We laugh about the girls who come in for a CHANGE and fifty pictures of hair that looks exactly the same as the hair they walked in with. And chuckle at the ladies who say let's go short and cringe as a half an inch is cut. Then there's those girls who come in with Pinterest curls and ask for that cut, the cut, my friends, does not make your hair automatically curly. I mean the old saying goes, we always want what we cannot have. But I think, for me, my hair is the one place in my life I do not feel like that. And it's strange because my hair is the one thing in my life I do not feel obsessively controlling about. 

So I will not lie. Truth be told, my heart always skips a little beat when I turn around and see my new style. Then I'll run my hands through it, spin to see the back, and pump it up a little. Wow...this is different than I thought it would be, I think to myself. But "I love it" I declare as I look in the mirror one final time. 

The hair cut is never quite what I expected. And it usually takes me a week to get completely used to it! But when I do, I'm in love. And so every time I make my appointment for a Saturday morning in the hair salon, it's the same. Whatever she wants, she does to my hair. 

Some may ask me why? To which I reply, she's the expert and never once have I hated my hair. The cut she gives me, fits me. It's fun and sassy sometimes, and strong and bold others. I've been way blonde, way brown, and shades of red in between. But every time it just works! And the thing is, these cuts grow on me. And grow with me!! 

The last time I went for a new do, I came home with the shortest hair I have had since the fourth grade, literally, like it barely fits in a pony tail. And that scared me at first, but then I fell in love with the natural bounce and the cute shape. I realized short hair kind of works for my face. And that the extra minutes it took me to style it in the morning were worth it, because I liked this look on me. The "whatever you want" was whatever I needed. 

So while I ramble on about hair cuts and nonsense, there's a message. God is faithful. 

For so so long, I worried about who I would marry, and when and why, and how. And I still do. But somewhere I discovered God is faithful. And so I trusted He would bring me my guy. I prayed eagerly and honestly, "whatever you want" God. I trusted Him. He was the expert. But then time passed, and my controlling side resurfaced and I began to wonder again, why and when, and how much longer. 

And one night as I pondered this great mystery in my life, God revealed this truth to me. God is faithful to me. AND God is going to be faithful to someone else through me. 

That was huge. To know I am God's faithfulness. I'm the fresh look someone needs! Wow. Never did I trust God to do whatever He wants so much, as the moment I realized His faithfulness was twofold. I run to Him, trusting He knows me and will give me the cut I need, and at the same time my man is probably running to Him asking for the same thing. And I'm God's answer to him. Maybe he's dated all the wrong girls, or needs someone to keep him on his toes with classy sarcasm. Perhaps he's been heartbroken, or scared to leap, or just pursuing family and friends and not females. Who knows? But God. He knows I'm the big reveal He has waiting to give this handsome man, who may or may not be controlling of his hair. 

It might be scary when he turns around and sees where God has led him. I'm scared too. But I firmly believe that my heart longs for the guy who gives God the say, orders a tall glass of "whatever You want" and does not look back. 

I recently read this children's book, called the "The Table Where Rich People Sit". In it, a girl discovers her family, though not financially rich, has everything rich in their lives, in mountains and sunsets and love. Sometimes, I feel like I am losing the game of love. But then I sit at the table

like this little girl and start to add it all up. My progress may not seem like much, in my mind, that wants concrete evidence. But in reveals, big and small, about life and love, God has given me more treasure than I can hope for. I know, because of this and the time, and trust, it has taken both of us, to give it all to the expert, we will be ever so rich in the love we share. 

Maybe he's totally awkward. Maybe I'm totally awkward too. Maybe it has taken us years to figure out where we were supposed to be! Maybe every passing day made us stronger, and wiser, and more of the whatever God has been longing to give each of us in one another. To be honest, the story is not over. I am waiting for the big reveal. And I hope that sweet man is waiting for it too. But, no matter how scary it is to turn around, to see the exciting new possibilities the expert has exposed, I have to tell you, it's scarier to take a trip to the pro, and return home virtually the same because I was too afraid to let Him be faithful.