ForeverLOVEd

Irresistible: too powerful or convincing to be resisted. Every New Years Eve, we pick a word to define the months ahead.  Maybe it's an ambitious word, or a refreshing one. Sometimes it's a word that we hope for more of in the year to come, other times it's what we feel we finally discovered in the year gone by. Whatever it is, whether we have picked it long before the clock strikes midnight, or it's just something we fancy in the moment as we pop the champagne, we write the word on the mirror in the entry way and hope that it becomes our mantra for the next 365 days.  As 2016 came to an end, and 2017 popped on the scene with its gusto, and guts, grace, and gruel, the word I could not shake was irresistible. And maybe if you were in the new year, new you state of mind, you could consider that a resolution of sorts. To create a me that's irresistible could have been my goal for the year. But that's not why the word hung around.  As 2016 came to a close and 20

Why you with your long brown hair flowing And you with your fresh tattooed skin And you from the Western Virginia That you'll never get to see again As darkness descended the desert And a bad actor starred in his play Why you from Tennessee did life capture And me from Tennessee get away -Eric Church  I had just fallen into that moment, the one between sleep and awake. My head rested heavily on my cool pillow, the ceiling fan swayed in constant motion above me, and a dreamlike sensation mixed with heavy eyes had me off to Neverland. And then, like the cold that filled that eery night, my slumber was erupted with that tiny vibrating of my phone. And in that moment, the world I knew, changed.  I never left my phone on when I slept. I have no idea why or how that night it had been. And twenty minutes later when I sat frozen in my bed, still in shock, and utterly terrified, my mom wondered what I was doing. I replied, "Mom, I'm so scared."  I was paralyzed i

"Christ does not force our will, He only takes what we give Him. But He does not give Himself entirely until He sees that we yield ourselves entirely to Him." St. Therese of Avila  Well, it's happening. I think these three words to myself multiple times a day. I shake my head in awe, smile slightly, and wonder to myself how, as I make my way through the rush hour traffic running from one place to another. But here it is and here it is working.  This fall has been the most insane, overwhelming, and beautiful journey.  In pursuit of my teaching credential, I am student teaching full time. This is a job I knew I could handle alongside my full time job, when my job was what it had been for three years.  What none of us knew was that our office would be taking on twice as much work, creating a whole new program for a whole new population, and be down a coworker due to a fluke injury. Most days I leave my house at seven in the morning and return around nine in the evening.

Tomorrow will be the first month of my life that I'll start without him. September will come, and Papa won't be here. I won't get to call him and tell him about the new year starting at work, how cute my little kiddos are or what cool class I'm enrolled in for the semester. I won't get to chat with him about the Kansas heat, or his morning mass coffee crew. I won't open a birthday card signed with his sweet message or hear about his travel plans for spring. He will never get to meet the man of my dreams and hug me tight on my wedding day. I'll never get to hear him tell his favorite stories from our adventure together in Europe, or hear his recollection of my favorite songs to sing when I was a kid. September is here and I'm sad because I miss him.  In June, Papa told us his time with us was short. He had been diagnosed with a devastating cancer that was not going to go away. The doctor gave him 1 to 4 months to live. My eyes unleashed tears like a flo

I have called you by name, you are mine. Isaiah 43:1 I have a minor obsession with names. And by minor, I mean, well major. I have named and renamed my future children hundreds of times.  I pick books by the words on the cover, analyze songs by the title, and literally pick my toenail polish based on the name. Currently I'm rocking the "Two Time Zones" shade of hot pink.  I guess it's no surprise that a lover of words and writing would want to know the name of everything and everyone and  have such a passion for knowing the story behind each name. Because, I think the truth is, we can tell a lot by a name.  This past week I shared some time with my papa in the home he retired in. We reminisced about my childhood, amazing trips, and family functions. We shared laughter, and tears, and went through some of his most treasured possessions. And I won't name them all, but I will admit, the joy I found in his collection of Hummels was discovering the name of each p

Totus Tuus Have you ever planted a grape vine? Those things are relentless. The one in the backyard was out of control. It was taking over in a major way. And it needed to be stopped.  So genius me, on the sunniest Saturday of the year, got a wild hair and decided to destroy it. Gloves on my hands and clippers out I was in full attack mode. After a few minutes of my solo pursuit, my family started to join and we clipped and pulled, sawed and dug what felt like miles and mounds of that light green vine. It had wrapped itself around every surface. The vine, which felt tougher than string, and quite frankly less forgiving, was tied onto lattice work and other trees. And as we fought to undo it I wondered why anyone would ever, in their right mind, plant a grape vine.  The vine was everywhere, in everything, and it took a serious amount of sweat and elbow grease to detach even the smallest portion of it. Nothing was exempt from its power. Nothing was left from its impact. And all I wan

"Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it” – Salvador Dali The first time I went, I hated it. For a perfectionist who's greatest fear is rejection, the pressure was too much to bear. My line dancing was not up to par. And the day we had arrived to strut our stuff, we got kicked off the dance floor multiple times. It was the WORST; humiliation at its finest. We were not qualified with our two left feet and here "just for fun" attitude. That was the first time.  When I opened the invite and saw the gathering there at this same place, I cringed. But I would show up because I loved the people, and good country music on a Thursday night. I, however had predetermined that I'd never hit the dance floor! What I have come to know however is that my predetermination is often false.  ••• If you stopped in my office any day this week you might think I am crazy. There are scissors and glue everywhere, a collection of boxes complete enough to reach hoarder status, and

And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new." Revelation 21:5   It was a rare Friday. Normally, a day off of work, I rolled out of bed motivated to get something done. I grabbed my brother for the adventure and we loaded up the family recycling into both of our cars. As sticky soda dripped from the bags, we piled one on top of the other. Every crevice of both our cars were filled to the brim. And so we sat in the one empty seat we both had still available and drove our way up the hill, I glanced at my clock and thought to myself, well this day is off to a running start.   It did not hit me until I pulled up and saw the other people with their bags. We had four times as many. And maybe it was because we had not been to turn in our collection for over a year, or maybe we were just frivolous with our waste but either way, it made my skin crawl.   I was disgusted. I felt like the scum of the earth as we unloaded bag after bag of empty cans and empty wat

"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice."  Abraham Lincoln  I can still hear the crunching of metal as the two cars collided together. It had been years since the day my little yellow car was totaled in an accident that flipped me in circles, had me DUI tested, and ultimately led to my first major purchase as a grown up, my very own car. And as the sun hit my dashboard and the music played over my stereo, a sense of post dramatic stress flooded my mind. I was turning left to get on the freeway and even though there was no way the oncoming traffic would hit me I tensed up and braced myself for what was coming next. Today, it was just a collision in my mind. Like it was the present, I pictured the loss of control, the fear, the sights and smells of that major accident and for a moment I relived it.  I never really realized how much that moment shaped me. I never thought about the humiliation, the built up anxiety, and the lack of confidence i

"Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word." Luke 1:38 In the fifth grade, we collected our Dad's favorite quotes for a book for Father's Day. My dads was this..." Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Forrest Gump  Every Tuesday and Wednesday I eat salad with my coworkers. We hodgepodge together toppings of every delight and enjoy conversation and community at the small round and rickety table in our office kitchen. And then, after we have finished our bowls of cabbage and carrots, corn and cucumber, we go for what we treasure most...a bite of chocolate.  The box of chocolates sits in a special drawer and we take it out after we finish dinner each night. Set in front of us, we stare. It's a mystery, what lies in the middle of each sweet treat. And we anxiously ponder, which one we want, which one has the caramel we are in the mood for, and what will happen if we get the wrong one.  And i

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” "Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” "Come,” he said. Matthew 14:27-29 In the middle of a storm it's always hard to remember the sun shining bright in the sky before or picture it ever peaking out from the clouds again! When it's pouring rain you hunker down under your umbrella, jump the puddles, and dodge rain drops. In the middle of the storm, you stop worrying about how cute your outfit looks. In the middle of the storm, you do what you can to catch leaks in the ceiling. And sometimes in the middle of the storm there's a moment, or a day, when you start to wonder if you should just start building an arc because there's no light around the corner, the forecast is dim, and you literally think there will never be a day again when you will see the sun. I'm in the middle of a storm. The leaks are many, the raindrops heavy, and the hope f