Collide

"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice."  Abraham Lincoln 

I can still hear the crunching of metal as the two cars collided together. It had been years since the day my little yellow car was totaled in an accident that flipped me in circles, had me DUI tested, and ultimately led to my first major purchase as a grown up, my very own car. And as the sun hit my dashboard and the music played over my stereo, a sense of post dramatic stress flooded my mind. I was turning left to get on the freeway and even though there was no way the oncoming traffic would hit me I tensed up and braced myself for what was coming next. Today, it was just a collision in my mind. Like it was the present, I pictured the loss of control, the fear, the sights and smells of that major accident and for a moment I relived it. 

I never really realized how much that moment shaped me. I never thought about the humiliation, the built up anxiety, and the lack of confidence it left lingering in my heart. To this day, a left hand turn is enough to make my heart beat a little faster. And yet, like we all do, I picked up that cross and kept carrying on.

Isn't it strange how we all collide? With thousands of things, we crash into each other. In our car, in our feelings, in our casual walk up the grocery aisle, our lives are meant to collide. 

A couple of weeks ago I had one of the most humbling and beautiful collisions of my life. Stuffed like sardines, like we are at most concerts, my friends and I watched a semi-entertaining opening act. Crowds drive me wild and people bug me with their entitled attitudes, short shorts, and drunken escapades. But then there was I. Right in the midst of it. 

What started out as a squishy spot close to the stage quickly started closing in. And then I felt it. The constant pressure of someone next to me. They were colliding with me. This wasn't just the normal touch. It was a heavy pressure. Unrelenting. And lasted for more than one song. I hoped with everything it would just go away. Because I knew someone was shoving me on purpose. I tried like crazy to hold my ground. Then I rolled my eyes at my friends. And waited. Surely, she would not keep pushing me the whole night. 

And then it happened. I shoved her back. Hard. 

Enough was enough, I thought to myself. What followed was much like my car crash, an actual blur. I said a few choice words. She said some back. Her boyfriend got involved, my brother defended me. Before I knew it I was on the outskirts of the venue crying my eyes out. I had just been in a public fight. What does one even do after that?

And in the middle of that great collision God sent down the most merciful gift. "Go say you're sorry." 

Cut and dry. No fluff. No weighing out her piece of it and mine. Just truth. I was unkind and I needed to say I was sorry. When I returned to the group my friends were convinced I was ready to throw blows, which mind you I do not even believe I am capable of doing, but I wasn't. I gently touched the girl's shoulder, apologized, and felt an overwhelming sense of peace. 

There it was. The most beautiful collision. The most beautiful example of what Christ calls us to. The most beautiful and real moment of mercy. How many times do we hold onto the hurt?  How many times do we linger in the fear of a left hand turn? How many times do we say to ourselves well she started it? For me, it's a lot of times. But for the first time, in that sweaty crowd, I took everything else out the equation and was just honest with myself. 

I will most likely never see the girl I collided with again. But, I'm changed by my encounter with her just the same. All along God knew we would collide. But, what a gift it is to me to see the collision in the light of the truth. And walk away free. 

I have to ask myself if it was ever about the space in the crowd. Maybe it was something deeper that I needed to discover in myself. Maybe it was something stronger that God needed me to see. I could have let hate win and missed the rest of the adventures that night. But I saw love and I choose it. 

Christ gives us the gift of mercy everyday. In every moment we can decide. In every moment we can choose Him, and His way, and His love. But so often we hold on for dear life trying to avoid the collisions, when the truth is, even the darkest ones show us His goodness and His grace. 

If you do not trust me, look at the cross. 

Do not be afraid. Of the cross, of the fight, of the pain, but choose it with love and with kindness and every intention of discovering mercy there right in the middle of life's biggest collisions.