Now I See.

I was blind and now I see.

With the turn of the year, and a turn of a new leaf in my life, I firmly planted my feet in a new goal for my blogs. For years now, I had chronicled my moments with God in funny metaphors and elaborate stories on the black and white of the page before me. And I had posted them. With love in my heart and a hope of some sweet message from God, I left them there for family and friends and the occasional stranger to see. And then, like it so often does, pride got the best of me. And my little homemade blogs about our AMAZING GOD just didn’t feel like enough anymore.  In 2016, I wanted to get my blogs published.

I grew up in the “see me” generation.  You can instantly show me what you ate for breakfast, what you accomplished at work and what exercise trend you are now on. I barely have to know your name to know who you are dating, what your mom looks like or what you did last weekend. There is this constant ache for each of us to be seen. We have to post our lives’ story in pictures. We have to tweet that amazing quote we just heard. We have to; because we have to know that the world knows us. At least that is the lie I bought. That was the story I lived.  My life became a constant battle to post the best picture, write the best caption, and obtain the best likes. It was like I was drowning at the bottom of a social media ocean, and I could not find the strength to pull myself back up for air.

Lent. I saw it on the surface. It was calling me back to the fresh air I so needed. There it was as I reached out desperately. Lent was the break I needed. And so for 46 days to be exact, I let go of social media. I was so attached to this sea of false fame, false love, false acceptance, and false connections that my heart ached as I deleted each app from my phone. It was sickening really, how attached to something so unreal I was and I knew I would struggle. Even when you see good right in front of you, it is easy to cling onto what is known. I was afraid of what life would be like without this ocean I had become so connected to but I swam to the top anyways.

And there it was 46 days of freedom. 46 days when I was not a slave to the latest things I was missing. 46 days of not comparing myself to that beautiful girl with that perfect man. 46 DAYS. I thought I would never survive, but 46 days I loved so completely.

The truth is, every single one of us wants to be seen. I do. You do. We all do. Because, in so many ways, I think to be seen is to be loved. But what I was missing in my life before those 46 days was the chance to really see. No single image or post can capture who you are, or who I am.  When you take away the fronts, and the picture perfect people, and the constant need to post, EVERYTHING, what you are left with are real human beings. And there is nothing more beautiful than that.

 I was so used to seeing who people told me they were on my newsfeed, that I forgot what I was made for, to love and to see. And sure sometimes  I may love what you are posting, but the reality is, my life is so much more complete when I get to see your beauty right here, in front of me, in real life where I can love you for the person you are and you can love and see me.

Easter came and I downloaded the apps again, but I plan to tread in the water lightly. Because I do not need to crash in the waves of knowing everything everyone is doing. I have to let myself live in the now. And the now for me is this blank page that I am filling with words. The now is that hug I will share with a long lost friend this afternoon. The now is the food I am eating and the work I am doing. The now is what I get to see and touch and feel for me and the best social media app cannot beat the now.

So I am not getting my blogs published, because honestly, it does not matter who in the cyber universe sees them. I am writing for this present moment, for God’s journey for me, and for the hope that in everything He will allow me to really see.